My Life Journal
By: Zero(penname)/PrinzEach and every one of us, has their own stories to tell. Sometimes we're victorious, but the others, fell victim to an unfortunate situation. You, me and everyone else isn't that different. You tried, you failed, try again multiple times and we succeed.
This is a tale of my past, known to only few. Not even close families knew( I wish it wouldn't)
In the past, I used to be just like everyone else. Innocent, cheerful and carefree as a child I was. I never once had something to worry about, because as a child those things are meaningless. I have my friends, playing around and hanging out together and doesn't seem to care what others think or say about me. But it all began to change when I tried to focus on something, I accomplished things, achieved multiple awards and once praised by many, but at what cost?
I began to notice several things about those around me, they changed the way they looked at me, somehow I can feel them growing apart. Including some of my so-called friends, but not all. And I was just at 3rd Grade that time. Pretty unrealistic considering how young I could've been that time but I actually felt those things happening. Although they are kinda avoiding me, some of them stayed close to me but I can feel something else, I can hear -not literally- their inner voices, they're praising me but I hear otherwise.
They kept me close, until 4th Grade -the turning point of my life- I just happened to somehow ended up in the Top 1 of my class, my real friends teases me but I know they're literally happy for me, but not everyone. I can hear some of them talking behind my back but I didn't payed attention and just brushed it off, because we're literally just kids of course I think it meant nothing. However, it became apparent when almost none of them would let me in their group, even during group activities I somehow always ends up doing everything on my own, but they always takes credit for it, saying I never once tried to collaborate or participate. I always ends up being blamed, and I began to lose focus on my study, restricting my interactions with them, for at least a year. I began wearing fake smiles to hide the fact that I already knew what is going on.
I was hanging by a thread, I started becoming isolated little by little each passing days of those continuous interactions. Interactions I made because I can't bear it anymore, I was the only one excluded in every games, although they let me join sometimes. I began regaining my confidence in study in Sixth Grade, when the worst happened. I actively participated in class activities and sometimes would also help out others and even praised by teachers.
But, my classmates took it differently. They, once again, began excluding me from their groups. And sometimes I overhears them talking about me, criticizing me and how my behaviors gets on their nerves. They were calling me "Show off"(pakitang tao), "teacher's pet"(sipsip), "Attention Seeker" or something like that. The feelings I thought we're long gone, were only temporarily overshadowed by their good acts, I thought I found where I belong but those were illusions I conjured myself in search of my place of belonging. After that, I only got a few real friends that could be counted by the fingers of both hands, I began cutting off connections and interacted with others less.And all of that only happened in my Elementary days. After those incidents, whenever I accomplished something, it feels empty. The moment of our Graduation in Elementary, yes I was happy but not because of it. Rather, because I thought it would end there.
I was wrong, even in my first year in highschool, specifically when they knew that one of our teachers is my Father. It continues, and I always seat in the back, secluded from the crowds. Whenever someone approaches me, I began thinking "Ah, again... Nothing changes, they're all the same" as if I already knew what they're thinking ahead of time. And yes for most, my intuition is spot-on. They mostly befriends me because of my connections, they were quite using me as an excuse. But then again, for most of other activities, I was always excluded. Nothing new, actually. And it continues to be that way, and I was literally hanging by a thread, until it finally snaps.
I began to create this kind of communication barrier between me and others, I became unapproachable, they can't even sit next to me. I already lost motivation, I even began to have these intrusive thoughts, because of the burden that weren't supposedly to be carried by someone at such a young age. But I am somehow grateful, Although those times were suffocating, it is because of those experiences I developed this ability to understand a person, their thoughts, and habits through their actions, and facial expressions or something like that. It is as if I can clearly hear, know and understand their train of thoughts, I can read them easily, like an open book. I managed to carefully select my friends based on that, and I've never been wrong in doing so.
Until that time in the second half of my first year Highschool, I met this one person in the beginning of the first year but due to some circumstances, sections were split up. And in second half of my first year, by sheer coincidence, as per the School policies that time -between each quarter of the year students will be reassigned in different sections based on their performances- , we were put in the same section. At first I thought she was just like the rest but, I can't seem to get a hold of what she was thinking. All I can say is that, She was genuinely kind and friendly, but unlike my friends that I can somehow understand what's going on their minds, she was kinda hard to read. I really don't understand girls, especially in that time, but to describe her, she was like a vibrantly colored flower in a monochrome art piece with only a few ones colored. She stands out even among my group of friends.
And I'm not gonna lie, I was envious of her nature, she was friendly, kind and easy to approach, unlike me who was isolates himself, doesn't want to be in the crowd, and yes I'm not really friendly that time, because I already lost it a long time ago -not that long-.
She was among the few who approached me with genuinely good intentions. I began to be curious about her, and for like most of the time, I enjoyed talking and hanging out with her, she even introduced me to her group of friends, and to my surprise, includes my very own friends. In those times, for the first time in years I felt something warming up inside me. Although I'm not totally open to them that time, I was recovering little by little. Until the COVID-19 pandemic hits, because of that time, I became reliant on technologies, like phones, TV and Computers. Although, it wasn't that strict during pandemic, I never even went outside to atleast freshen up, to be honest, I never even leaves my room unless it was necessary. I totally became a shut in, I even neglected my studies, even leading to some failure in my grade sheets. Yes, after those temporary recoveries, I just couldn't totally leave what the past had thought me. I'm slowly reverting to my old self, the unapproachable, unfriendly self.
But somehow, I became optimistic -not entirely- , I managed to get back my childish humors, even a little bit approachable and always thinks of the present. Although even in this days it still haunts me, as seen in most of my actions like, not being a fan of being in the crowd, doesn't want to be the center of attention, sometimes talks less or more, mood swings, and random things.
Those words aren't fictions although it seems like one, they're reality. My untold truth, that only a few actually knows.
I never told this to anyone, I wished it won't go out, especially close families